Fire On Your Head

Is there something wrong with us single people?

I’ve noticed something, and this may turn out to be one of those “vulnerable” entries that I oh-so-rarely do. In fact, you better take the phone off the hook and free yourself of any other distraction. You’re about to learn something that you should already know, but apparently people don’t know it about me.

Yep. Steve has feelings. And hormones that run through his brain.

Since getting back from the trip I took to North Carolina, after returning from the Netherlands (I love bringing those two places up in the same sentence—it makes it sound like I travel a lot)—I have been asked many times if I had a girlfriend. Or other variations on the same question, such as “why the Netherlands, do you have a Dutch girlfriend?” After my response, which is “no”, one of a few things undoubtedly happens—its’ almost always the same: the person then asks “so how old are you?” as if it’s unfathomable that a 25 year-old could be single (I know plenty of others my age and older who are).

The other response I get when I tell people I’m still single, is the person then asks if there’s anyone I’m fancying, and 90% of the last 5 years of my life the answer has been, with total and complete honesty, “nope”. But the look on peoples’ faces when I say I’m single–and they know I’m 25 years old or I tell them–makes me almost wonder if I’m doing something wrong. Or if something’s wrong with me. I seriously think sometimes when I’m visiting my grandparents and aunt telling them there is no special someone in my life, I feel like they’re kind of ashamed or something. Like, they’re waiting for me to come out of the closet and admit to being gay or something—which I shouldn’t have to tell you I’m not. However, a few years ago I read words of someone else’s email where I was referred to by a former friend as “a queer waiting to happen”. This brother in particular, no longer serving the Lord, has had a string of two-month long relationships for as long as I’d known him, and never gone more than two months without being in a relationship, so I’m not surprised he can’t fathom I’m content in the Lord as a single male until the Lord changes that and invites me to initiate something towards some awesome young woman of God.

Another funny thing happened this summer: when I first got to Holland, Dan Slavin and I went to this conference called Momentum, to hear our friends Corianne and Sue preach a seminar on the gift of singleness. The brochure even advertised them both as “experienced singles”. This seminar had way more people turn out than they were expecting, and that tent was crowded. At one point they asked for a show of hands of how many people present were single. Everyone’s hands went up. I thought to myself, “great, I can take my pick!” Then Sue and Corianne asked how many of us have been single for one year. Most hands were up. Then it was asked how many were single for 2 years. Three years. And so on, and hands would go down and fewer remain up. Finally, at around 6 years, I was the only one still holding my hand up. They said “seven years and single?” and I guess after realizing I was the only one with my hand up, they stopped asking.

Sure, I’m human just like you. I’d love to have someone to watch cheesy Leslie Neilson movies on my laptop—who likes them also (you don’t count, Chad!). I’d love to take someone special walking around various places in Rotterdam and maybe Leewarden on occasion that I’ve prayer walked numerous times. I have all those desires and fancies. But I can wait, because I don’t desire to share those times with just anyone. And I have been that way for years. Maybe a lot longer than you.

You see, I know I can’t entertain a relationship in my life right now, even if I wanted to (believe me, I want to). But so much would have to change that I don’t want to change yet, to be honest—and I don’t think the Lord wants to change in my life this season either.

Twenty-five? Is that really how old I am? It feels like this past decade has been just whizzing by! The other night, I was up late, and a re-run of Saturday Night Live (hyperlinked for you Dutch folk who’ve never heard of it) came on and it looked almost brand-new–it’s been years since I’ve watched it consistently, but I still catch the odd live show if someone interesting is going to be hosting it. But I knew it was a re-run because of the timeslot in which it was on. They opened with a skit based on the presidential election debates between George W. Bush (played by Will Ferrell) and Al Gore played by Darrell “Is he still on SNL” Hammond. It was hilarious as heck. And then after the opening credits, out came Dana Carvey who was hosting that episode, and he proceeded to make fun of all these politicians of the day and I *understood* the jokes and references.

I thought to myself “six years? This episode is six years old? I remember this stuff like it was months ago! Where did all the time go?” But I don’t feel I’ve wasted any time in the last six years or so. The idea of going to FIRE school is still fresh, like I can’t believe I even went, let alone graduated and have been on the mission field! I have very few things I’d change or do differently. It’s not 100% the way I’d like it to have been, but then there are a few—just a few things I’d do differently. However, there are no girls I would have gone and done something to sweep off their feet. Almost all of them that I ever had an interest in I went for it and found out quickly and with varying degrees of disappointment that it was never meant to be. I didn’t begin anything that resulted in me being dumped or devastated like many of you have.

I don’t feel like I’ve been missing out. If anything, I feel like I’ve avoided a lot of crap I’ve watched other people get into. And I don’t feel I am worthy of the pity that some people treat me with as if being single at my age is the same as having terminal illness I can do nothing about. Just because you would have died if you didn’t marry your sweetheart at the age of 18 like you did, doesn’t mean I’m not content, satisfied and whole in my relationship with the ultimate lover of my soul, Jesus Christ.

Worth mentioning: this past spring, I started to get really discouraged about my singleness. I was nowhere near getting credentialed with a mission organization (not in Canada anyway). I was working a temp job through ManPower, which though I loved and it suited my purposes for the season I was in, it would not put bread on the table and support a family if I had one. And specifically, three of my closest friends all were beginning dating relationships. I asked God if He had forgotten me when he was arranging these relationships. “How come, two of these people are always in dating relationships and breaking up, but I never have any luck in that department even though I’ve been waiting patiently—but you’re giving them significant others’ to have?” My faithful reader and fellow classmate Amy had to listen to me gripe all about it on MSN at the time for a while, so she can vouch for me!

But then I’ve seen in the months since, all of those relationships didn’t work out. Two of those resulted in those friends getting dumped and being miserable. One had her boyfriend dump her for his ex girlfriend, while the other–a male friend–it just didn’t work out and the girl ended it to his severe disappointment. The other one of the three–it didn’t work out with that particular guy she was communicating with, and this sister in the Lord is now dating a guy she matched up with on E-harmony, and has disappeared off the face of the planet far as I can tell, and I hear from her way less because it’s blossoming into a godly relationship and her MSN is always busy if I see her on late at night. But it’s funny how big a difference such a short period of time makes—and what things looked like back then were nothing like how they turned out. Now that I’ve got some hindsight, I see I had nothing to be jealous about. God has spared me I don’t know how many times over the years from unnecessary heartbreak that all sorts of peers all around me go through from rushing it.

Some of you may pity my loneliness and singleness all these years, but I shake my head in gratitude that I’ve been spared the pain I’ve watched many of you go through from relationships that were never meant to be.

So what’s the rush? Will I be worthy of pity if I’m single for another five years? Ten? Never marry? (which, God, I hope is not going to happen!)

Statistically speaking, almost all of you reading this will spend the majority of your life married to someone. Do you really think it’s too hard for God to make it work out with someone He has ordained for you before the foundation of the world? I personally don’t believe in soul mates, I believe we choose. And I believe whomever we choose, will happen to be our soul mates. Try and figure out that paradox! I am not contradicting myself, I just believe that’s how it works. Can wrong people decide to marry each other? Sure, but I don’t plan on marrying the wrong person, or settling for second best, and that’s why I’m still single at this point in my life. And I’m fine with it and happy because my wholeness comes from Christ Jesus, not on who else is in my life for the time being. In fact, I’ve gone this long this far, and I’m not about to settle now for just anybody.